Sunday, September 16, 2007

Motherhood is anxiety-inducing!

Do any of you worry too much? I myself am not sure what would constitute as excessive worrying, as I happen to accept worrying as inextricably linked with loving someone fiercely, but I have been informed by my husband that I definitely succumb to too much worrying. I just don't understand how one can be a parent and NOT be worried! And I have very little idea of how to turn the worrying off.

Mostly right now, I am worried about Danny and his future. He is being evaluated by a developmental pediatrician in 2 weeks and I am very concerned about what his diagnosis might be. To be honest, I think he will be labeled as being on the Autism Spectrum and it frankly scares me to death. Bil thinks it is insane to spend any time or energy worrying about it. Why worry until we know exactly what is going on? he thinks. And really, that makes sense. But something he should really understand about me by now is that I rarely make sense when it comes to emotionally charged issues. And there is nothing more emotional for me than the welfare of my children.

There are so many worries running through my head. What if Danny has a disorder that will impair his abilities to make lasting friendships? Will he be destined to be constantly lonely? Is everything going to be more challenging for him than it would be for a "normal" kid? I worry because I have read that kids with certain developmental delays often suffer from depression or get involved in promiscuity and/or drugs to deal with low self esteem. I worry that he will be bullied or that he will end up hating school. Heck, I worry that I will never get him potty trained.

Many people have told me not to worry, but those sorts of responses just make me feel isolated and sad. I guess what I crave is for someone to commiserate and tell me that while this completely sucks, I can and will make it through. That Danny will be okay. That it is natural to worry about my children, that it doesn't make me neurotic (at least no more neurotic than I have always been). That it is okay to be a little angry that life has thrown these challenges at my sweet little boy. I just want the best for him. And despite knowing that my overprotectiveness will probably result in years of therapy for my kids, I want more than anything to protect him from ever being hurt by anyone. I know this is not a good idea. We all have to deal with the rejection, challenges and general unpleasantness this world has to offer. That is partly why we are here: to learn and grow. BUT, isn't it enough for my son to have the regular, garden-variety challenges that we all face? Why add a disorder that will make it all so much harder, as if puberty by itself isn't painful enough?

OK, I will stop wallowing now. Don't worry about me. I just needed to get this off my chest, so when the time comes if my son is diagnosed with something in addition his Sensory Integration Dysfunction, I will be ready for the fight. Because if there is something I do know, it is that I would do anything for my kids. I will overcome this weariness that I am feeling and add more therapy, more exercises, more work to my load. Danny is worth it and I will not give up on him. I know he can deal with whatever life throws at him, and I will be there with him every step of the way.


Amy Jane said...


Wow! What a powerful post. You are absolutely the best kind of mother. Danny has the best chance possible at having a great life as long as he has you in his corner. I absolutely know how you feel. Brian is just like Bil (I guess all men are the same!) - he always takes that attitude of "Why worry until you know what's wrong?" and "Why worry about what you can't control?" He just doesn't get it! Of course you're full of worry and anxiety. It makes perfect sense to me, and you should be allowed to "wallow" in your feelings and have them validated. The important thing is that when the time comes for action, you don't let the "wallowing" paralyze you. And I know that you, of all people, won't do that. I have always admired your "mother lioness-ness", and I still do, more than ever! Please hang in there, and have faith that everything will work out for you and your precious son. Maybe not tomorrow or maybe not next year, but eventually, things will be OK. I just know it. And please let me know how his assessment goes!

All my love,

Amy Jane said...

Thank YOU for your latest comment on my blog. I hope you know that I will always be here for you, and that you can always call me if you need to talk or vent or need validation. I so miss you, and it totally bums me out that I don't know when I'll get to Effingham again. The next couple of months are shaping up to be pretty busy, so I don't even know if a fall visit is in the cards. I had really hoped it was. Who knows? Maybe there will be some free weekend soon where I'll just crazily drive on up there on a whim! We shall see. Hang in there, and know that you're doing everything you can for your son. Also remember that he won't be any different the day after the assessment than he was the day before. You're doing fine, and so is he.


beckbot said...

Hey pasha,
I just have to say that what Danny has to face does indeed suck. I've been thinking along the same lines (although a bit more removed) about my friend's daughter who is dying of a brain tumor. It just hit me 2 nights ago: this is CRAZY! This child is FOUR and why is this happening? This needs to be STOPPED. I just couldn't get my mind around it. I'm sure you feel that way very often. Like he's already been through enough; you've already been through enough. STOP this crazy train already. Quinn keeps asking me that big heavy question, "Why?" My standard answer is that "our bodies aren't perfect." I guess that's the only answer I can give. I don't want to get into questioning God's motives or even His involvement here. All I know is that our bodies aren't perfect. Our world isn't perfect. The only thing we can semi-control is our response to this craziness.

I have to say I have an abiding admiration for your response to what your family is facing right now. You write with honesty and hope, two traits that make you such a great person and a great mom.

Anonymous said...

Hi - I happened across your blog and I read about what you are going through with your son. As a mom of a 2 year old, whose had some developmental delays and testing, including eye surgery, I can tell you that I completely identify with what you are feeling. I remember when we first began dealing with it all, many, many of your thoughts and worries really hit me. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. So while I don't have any cliche, feel better response. I just wanted you to know that someone else (and probably many others) have felt and and gone down a similar road. Wishing you peace in the midst of the worry! Melinda