Thursday, November 1, 2007

Buzz off, kids!!

I am sick of kids. My kids and other people's kids, it doesn't matter. I am sick of all of them. Harsh, I know, but there it is. It has not been a good kid week, probably because I have not had a single break from them all week. Yes, here I go again with the complaints. Danny had therapy Monday, which means he misses school and we drive over an hour each way to Champaign. This, of course, messes up both kids' schedules, which typically guarantees that we are all crabby when Bil gets home. Tuesday and Wednesday, I then babysat all day for friends' kids, and for some reason, Charlotte opted not to nap unless I rocked and held her the whole time. As sweet and wonderful as it is to rock my baby, this time does NOT constitute a break. Plus, no matter how good someone else's kid might be (and none of them are perfect) they are always harder to take care of, I think.

Now, today, Danny is home because he isn't feeling very well. I just put the two of them down for naps and am praying like crazy they will fall asleep. Is it wrong to ask God that they sleep until their father gets home--some 4 hours from now--when I am planning on making a break for it? I have decided to take the Red Cross up on their offer of giving me a break and go and donate some blood. Pathetic, pathetic. I look forward to sitting with a needle in my arm for 15 minutes just so I can get out of the house and be alone. I really need some help. Or a hobby. I don't know.

I feel a bit lost lately, as if I don't know who I am anymore. (I hate that I am a living cliche. The mom who has lost herself while caring 24 hours a day for her children. It just sounds so trite.) I realized that I have been a stay-at-home mom for over 3 years, which is actually longer than I have ever held any other job. I was a teacher for over 5 years, but during that time held many different jobs at a variety of schools and levels, including college and high school. So, really this is the longest I have been with any one employer. (Don't get all femi-nazi on me; I call the kids my boss, not my husband!!! And talk about some demanding tyrants for bosses!)

On top of that, this "job" is so all-consuming, so as cliche as it sounds, I feel like I have lost bits of myself along the way and am not sure what to do about it. I have lately been really lusting after a job, thinking that might help. Two weeks ago when I was at the library, I found out that they are looking for a replacement for the assistant children's librarian. It only requires a high school diploma, so I have a feeling it doesn't pay all that well, but that doesn't matter. I wanted that job more than I have wanted anything in a while. The librarian I talked to was excited when she heard my credentials and I just had a feeling I would be a shoo-in if I applied. If I got the job, I would help with all the kids' programs, reading hour, help decorate the kids areas, help kids find books and all that great stuff. The stuff of my dreams!

But then reality set in. I would not only have to find and pay for day care for Charlotte (which would probably end up costing me most of my salary), but would also have to find someone to get Danny from school almost every day. Then, I remembered Danny's therapy and knew it totally wouldn't work. I mean, I could hardly ask for every other Monday off, could I? Plus, I remember what it was like when I had to work when Danny was a baby, and I know I wouldn't be able to do it. At least not right now. It would be too hard after all the problems I had with Danny's daycare situation (suffice it to say that he watched more Spanish soap operas in his first year than most of my ESL students combined) to be able to trust someone with my kids. Also, I know now is the time for me to raise my kids, spend time with them, teach them, enjoy them. I mourned the loss of that job for a day or so, and even toyed with the idea of interviewing anyway, just to see if I could get it. This will sound crazy, but it was so appealing to me to even just be offered a job: validation and proof that I could do something other than what I am doing right now...

So, what do I do with myself in the meantime? Maybe I should look into taking a class or something. I don't know. Any suggestions?


Amy Jane said...

I totally understand you feeling like you've lost parts of yourself - I think that we all feel that way. Heck, just being married and living in podunk towns for the past 10 years has made me feel that way (especially when it comes to the lack of singing opportunities), much less having Nick! You shouldn't apologize for feeling that way - it's totally valid. And I know how hard it is to realize that a job just wouldn't work financially or practically. I can just see your eyes lighting up and then your heart sinking in the next moment, and it makes my heart break for you. I think that taking a class would be a wonderful idea! I totally look forward to going to choir rehearsal every Monday evening, and a class could do the same thing for you. I say go for it! You've got to find something, some time, that's just for Patty and no one else. You deserve it! Let me know what you come up with...

I'm feeling a bit better today, although I still have no idea what to do about any of this. Thanks so much for being my sounding board!

beckbot said...

I feel your pain, too, patty. I actually *did* interview just for the heck of it and was offered the job. I took it (this was in 2004) and worked downtown at the main library, part-time, nights and weekends. I have to say it was great for my sanity and feeling like a normal adult. It really took its toll on our family, though. Although no one was in day care, we had very little time together as a family. Eventually Evan needed to be gone a night to attend a test prep class and the commute and the stress weren't worth it anymore. I don't really regret it, but when I work again I would like it to be while the kids are in school, so the impact on our family is minimized.
I think a class would be great. Either teaching or taking one. You could certainly teach community college lit or english. Mindy did that for awhile and while the pay isn't superb, you are teaching adults, so it's a nice change from the daily grind.