Friday, January 25, 2008

Carrie Bradhshaw I'm not!

OK, at the risk of totally sounding like an old biddy, I just do not understand today's fashions. Last night, I went to Kohl's to see about buying a couple of tops. I have been cleaning out my closet only to find that I have very few clothes that fit or look good. Some things are too big and others have just gotten stretched out, stained, or faded. I am not really into shopping, so I don't often buy myself new clothes. More often than not, I find something used at a thrift store or garage sale or even my mother's closet. Let's just say I am not the most fashionable girl around. I have only about 7 pairs of shoes, which I have been told is unnatural for a woman (Should I even admit that one of the pairs is a pair of black Doc Martens that are at least 8 years old? Another pair happen to be some brown Doc Marten's, but they are far younger than 8 years old. Come to think of it, I also own a pair of Doc Marten sandals...Hmmm, I am noticing a theme here).

Sometimes I wish I could hire a personal shopper who would do all the work for me: deal with the stores and lines and pushy people; try on the clothes in the fitting rooms with the lighting that makes me look very gaunt; handle the subsequent depression when clothes don't fit or look right; and figure out what clothes would flatter my body, while being stain-proof and very comfortable and durable. I need these clothes to last more than one season and be reasonably priced. Is that too much to ask for? Don't let any of this leak to Oprah or some other such "self-help" show or I will surely be their next big makeover project. (Speaking of which, I once had a student submit my name to the Sally Jesse Raphael show so that they could do a "Sexy Makeover" on me. Thank goodness nothing came of that.)

So back to the story. I rifled through rack after rack of discounted clothing (did you know they already have bathing suits on sale??? It is like 3 degrees out here. Who in their right mind would be buying a bathing suit? Well, at least that means all the winter stuff is on sale). A couple of cute, casual tops were all I was looking for. And what did I find? Lots of cute casual tops. The problem? They all looked like maternity blouses: really long, empire-waisted blouses. What is going on here? Why would anyone want to look like they were pregnant? If I wore one of those tops, it would look like I was wearing a short dress over jeans. I am way too short to be wearing such long blouses. And as someone who has spent well over 18 months in maternity clothes (I am one of those lucky women who have to wear maternity clothes for months after the bambino is born), I don't want ANYTHING in my wardrobe that even remotely makes me look pregnant. If I wore one of those things, it would take approximately 35 minutes for word to get around church that I am pregnant, which I am not. Heck, when I got a migraine on Thanksgiving, the entire branch and half the city was convinced I was in a motherly way.

It just makes me wonder who is designing all these clothes, and better yet, who is buying it? Why don't we protest? Why no boycotts going on? Why do these designers refuse to make normal clothes for women who have normal bodies (read: NOT size zero, airbrushed supermodels who subsist on rice cakes and celery)?

I guess I am just not destined to be fashionable, but the fact that I wear myhusband's Gerbils t-shirt and think it looks nice, should have probably been a tip off.


Amy Jane said...

You're killing me! Too funny. I hear your pain. Try WalMart and JCP - those are the stores where I find the majority of my clothing. Good luck in your quest...

beckbot said...

I totally agree. The empire waist might look great on the clearly anorexic Keira Knightly but, really, anyone else on the planet is going to look enormous in that style. Somewhat related, and please don't feel obligated:

My sisters and I have this tradition of getting together and trading clothes (one woman's impulsive Target clearance purchase is another woman's treasure); we call it "debasing" because the first time we did it we were listening to a Pixies song called "Debaser." Anyway, we can definitely do some debasing while you're visiting if you like.