Thursday, February 26, 2009

random thoughts

I know that many of you reserve your random thoughts blog posts for Tuesdays, but I don't feel like waiting that long. And I happen to be quite crabby and ornery, so don't argue with me, k?

**OK, the reason I am crabby and ornery is that I have been the target of germ warfare. Yes, an acquaintance has purposely infected me with a particularly insidious form of the common cold. How do I know it was on purpose? Well, she came to church sniffling and sneezing and coughing and then cornered me in the library where she breathed really heavily in my direction. Then, she forced me to take a book that she had just smeared all her germs on. What other conclusion could I come to? I can't prove it and I haven't determined a motive, but I AM plotting revenge, rest assured. This is honestly the worst cold ever in the history of mankind. I was up until 3 AM gasping for breath, popping decongestants, and praying that I wouldn't go into labor. I mean really, all I need is to go into labor after no sleep and while not being able to breathe.

**I have a pretty active imagination, which I feed regularly by watching episodes of Law and Order, Numb3rs, and reading the news online. I hear particular news stories of abuse or violence and have a hard time getting them out of my head. It seems that this gets worse when I am pregnant and I get a bit paranoid. Just last night while I was at the grocery store, a man gave me a funny look. He was probably looking bemusedly at my enormous stomach and giving thanks his own wife didn't resemble me, but it freaked me out. The next thing I know, I am convinced that he and his wife want a baby of their own and they are willing to do whatever it takes to get one. Then I realize that I have told the cashier that I am due in 2 weeks. Did this strange couple hear me? Are they now waiting to kidnap me and slice open my stomach to steal my baby? I was super-vigilant in the parking lot, checking under cars and looking people in the eyes, and I even checked to make sure no one followed me home. Even now, more than 24 hours later, I am devising ways to escape if this couple does indeed come after my abdomen.

**And as if I don't have enough to worry about what with homicidal baby snatchers after me, I just heard an ad for an upcoming lecture at SIU about the risks of polio. Apparently, we are not as safe from that disease as we think. Did they really need to add to my list of obsessions? Seriously, I would just rather not know some things. I do not need another disease to worry about and to imagine I am coming down with. Have I mentioned that I sometimes can be a bit of a hypochondriac?

**I just found out that my brother is being lauded as a hero in Chicago. He is a firefighter and he helped rescue two people from their burning home. I watched the news reports and press conference and wow, was that fire immense. It looked like a miracle that they were able to save these people. It amazes me that my brother, who tormented me from the very beginning (we are twins and I swear he beat me up in the womb) actually saves people's lives for a living. Though he has been doing this job for probably 10 years, sometimes I forget how dangerous his job is. I am really proud of him, though I do have to question the sanity of a man who runs INTO burning buildings.

**Despite a serious lack of sleep, I did not inflict any bodily harm on my daughter after listening to her whine and cry in the wee hours of the morning. That kind of makes me a hero, too, right? So, where's MY press conference?

**It's a good thing I didn't give in to temptation and send Charlotte off to boarding school today. She whined and complained about everything this morning; I had to find every one of her 7 Care Bears, make her waffle just right, hand the bottle of water to her at the specific angle she wanted, etc. Then, about 30 minutes ago, she barfed all over everything. Apparently, she was crabby because she is sick. I feel like such a heel for telling her to quit whining.

**We just got back from Wal-Mart about an hour ago where I happened to amble down the Easter candy aisle. I love candy, especially if it has chocolate, caramel or peanut butter or any combination thereof. The strange thing is that Easter candy has its own particular appeal to me. It is so much more irresistible than any other candy. I can't figure it out, but wrap some candy in pastel colored wrappers and shpae it like an egg and I am totally sold.

**I believe that there are hidden cameras in my ob/gyn's bathrooms. I am sure this is the reason they still insist that I pee in a cup even though I can barely squeeze into the bathroom. It's all for the amusement of the harried nurses and doctors. Also, I love that in order to get a sterile specimen you are supposed to clean yourself up, then pee a bit into the toilet, stop the pee flow and then capture the rest in the tiny, teeny cup. I mean, really? Really? Who came up with this system? It's practically impossible.

First off, it is really hard to reach around the 20 pound watermelon that is my stomach. So to be able to reach down and get the cup positioned just right really takes some flexibility and reach. I happen to have very short and inflexible arms. Then, there's the whole stop your stream of pee thing. Not too easy to do when you have 55 pounds of baby, fluid and miscellany sitting directly on your bladder. Once I start peeing, I don't stop.

Seriously. I don't even stop once I get off the toilet, if you get my drift.

Oh, c'mon, tell me you have never suffered from stress incontinence. No, on second thought, don't. I don't want to hear about your toned and fit pelvic muscles; I prefer to believe that you are all peeing yourselves every time you sneeze, cough, stand up, or sigh heavily. Misery loves company and I am ornery today. Have I mentioned that?


Amy Jane said...

Oh, Mylanta, Patty - you are ON FIRE! This post has slayed me more than any previous post you've ever written. Do you GET how funny you are? :) Thank you for making me laugh. It's too bad I can't come to the doctor's office with you - maybe I could touch your pee again! :)

kia (good enough mama) said...

Patty, I love it when you're pissed off. Let it out. Let it all out. oh, right. You already did.

You are definitely just as much a hero as your brother. You should get an award. I should too. Want to stage a sit-in?

I too wondered about the OBGYN having hidden cameras in the washrooms - especially when I squatted and peed all over my own hand. Ba$tards.

Anonymous said...

Okay I had to leave to see if I could see your Bro and I did and sent it to my mom.:) Nolan asked if the man talking was Grandpa C. Which proved my theory that white haired, mustache police and firemen from Chicago all look alike.
And your paranoid behaviors are shared. My DH gets on me when I watch SVU, I freak and he says "Why do you watch it?" I can't help it :(

Denise said...

I laughed so hard I cried...and ... well...peed all over myself!
You will ALWAYS be a hero in my book!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I too have wondered about the whole go, stop, go thing. Seriously. I'm not pregnant & I can barely do it!

Also, you've won a pretty little award. Please visit my blog to pick up!

mrsbear said...

Every day is a good day to be random. And the clean catch specimen, I remember it well. What an ass backward process to get pee in a cup, you're right to be pissed off about it (no pun intended, well, maybe a little pun). I didn't even know about the baby snatchers until after I had my youngest, that would've freaked me the heck out too. Don't take any chances is what I'm sayin. A can of pepper foam never hurt anyone right? I mean except for weirdo baby belly snatchers. Hope you feel better soon.

rainbowmummy said...

Don't make me laugh, or sneeze, I'll only cross my legs and do this odd hand lapping thigh thing, which Eggs Dad kilss him self laughing at, but I swear I have no choice when I need to go that bad it's what I do. Weak bladder here too, if that helps? lol.

You are a hero :0)

Oh and as for the peeing in a cup thing, utter madness I know.

Good rant I mean, em randomness xx

Elizabeth Channel said...

You need to write a bunch more of this sassy posts before you give birth and those great hormones dissipate. Maybe you could churn out a book real quick before you deliver?

I agree with everyone! You are getting even funnier!

HeatherPride said...

I cannot stand it when someone slimes me with their germs!! I used to work with this woman who was so contagious I think I spent about 3 months out of 3 years being healthy. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

I'm not even pregnant and I still pee myself....those three children have just ruined everything for me!!!!
I loved your rant and ramble! Too funny :)

Kim said...

oh my... i am gonna be thinking about your random ramblings and laughing all weekend!

Jackie said...

Hee hee, this was perfect for me today as I was in a similar grumpy mood today! But the easter candy sure cheered me up...
And yes, I hate the OB bathroom visits. You'd think technology has come far enough that we don't have to resort to peeing in a cup still. Oh well!