I have recently read a couple of hilariously funny blog posts based on this title and thought I would join in the fun. Here are some things my kids will never hear me say to them.
1. I'm totally just kidding when I say I want you to actually poo and pee in the toilet, rather than on the floor, in your underwear or anywhere else the mood strikes you. I just love all the extra laundry and carpet scrubbing, not to mention the humiliation that arises when people realize neither of my children is fully potty trained.
2. Please insist on coming to the store or on errands with me, even when your dad is home and willing to take you to the park. No, I don't need any alone time. Ever.
3. Come on in. I am just using the bathroom, but I was really getting lonely in here, so I'm glad you stopped by.
4. I love being a short order cook. If I make you something for breakfast, something you requested, by the way, don't feel like that in any way obligates you to eat it. Just keep asking for different meals; I love cooking so much, I won't mind.
5. Sleep is really overrated. Please feel free to wake me any time of the night for any reason whatsoever. Can't find your special blanket lying in your bed next to you? Just scream for me. I'll find it. Forgot to take one of your seven Care Bear dolls to bed with you? I'm the one for the job of finding it. Woke up and don't feel like lying there alone anymore? Climb into bed with me and while you are at it, make sure you elbow me in the eye and kick me in the gut. That just makes me feel that more loved and needed. Also, if I happen to actually have the opportunity to lie down on the weekend, please take that as a sign that I do not want to sleep, but would actually rather play with you and listen to you scream at me, "Mommy, wake up. No sleeping."
6. Nope, that decadent, expensive hazelnut truffle that I have been craving all day wasn't for me. I totally expected you to lick the entire thing, take a couple of slurpy bites, then spit out what you had eaten and leave the rest for me to eat. That is exactly why I bought them.
7. Go ahead, wear your pjs to school. I don't at all mind that your teachers will label me the worst mom in the school.
8. I live to serve you. I will drop whatever I am doing at the moment to cater to your every whim and fancy. Don't ever try to get your own drink of water, even though you are completely capable of doing so (which you proved just a hour ago). By all means, scream and nag at me to get it for you. This is especially fun when you wait until I finally sit down to eat my meal.
9. When you dump all of your toys on the floor for no other reason than to make a mess, I think it is so delightfully clever of you. I especially like it when you dump your cars in a high traffic area, such as the kitchen, where I relish the challenge of navigating the room without stepping on one and killing myself.
10. I do not need personal space. I have no boundaries. So feel free to jump on me, wrestle with me, pull my shirt up in public to display my "belly bean," pull my hair out as you try to put barrettes in it, climb in my lap while I am eating, climb on my shoulders when I bend down to pick something up, and never take no for an answer. Never quit touching me. Ever.