Sunday, July 26, 2009

it's 2:59 AM. do you know where your sanity is?

I don't. I think I lost mine somewhere around 1 AM after waking to feed Tommy. What's the big deal about getting up to feed my baby? you may ask. Typically, not much. But, tonight, as on many nights lately, it was about the fifth time I had woken up. Bil's snoring has gotten out of control and I just can't sleep through it anymore.

It seems so ironic to me. I know a few friends who suffer from insomnia. For whatever reason (perhaps stress?) they are unable to shut off their minds and, as a consequence, struggle to fall asleep. Me, on the other hand, I typically have no trouble at all falling asleep. I can fall asleep while watching a movie, reading a book, praying. In fact, I have more trouble keeping awake at times than anything.

But, lately the snoring has been waking me up. Tonight, I finally retreated to the couch, which was a fine solution until I woke again to feed Tommy. After getting up and making a bottle, I was unable to fall back asleep. This is partly to do with the fact that, though I am in my living room, I could still hear the snoring until I finally closed our bedroom door.

The other reason I can't fall asleep? I guess it would be stress and not being able to turn my mind off. I have a lot on it lately and don't know exactly what to do about that.

I'm worried about so many things right now, some of which I can't really go into here. But, of course, I am worried about Danny, as usual, and whether he is getting the services he needs. I know this seems to be a constant theme of this blog, but it is a problem that has no easy solution. As I have mentioned before, we go to an OT in Chicago who gives us a bevy of exercises to do with Danny. Then, ostensibly, we come home and do those exercises in various forms a couple of times a week.

So much easier said than done.

We have been struggling for some time to actually get the therapy done. I have a really difficult time doing it on my own, but Bil's time is pretty limited and we often forget or put off doing the therapy. I have recently recommitted us to getting back on track, but still, I worry that it is not enough.

I need to get in to see the OT more often, but that has been so difficult with the new baby, the long drive and the fact that my OT is pretty hard to schedule. Not to mention the cost of gas and the aggravation of taking a road trip with three small kids.

I am just so overwhelmed with many issues right now. Bil and I have been fighting a lot, probably mostly due to stress and how poorly I handle it, but also in part because we are not completely on the same page as to how best to discipline. Actually, it probably wouldn't even take much for us to get on the same page, if we just ever had 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to figure it all out. I find myself snapping at him all the time, even in front of the kids, and I can't seem to get a grip. I often wonder if I need some medication, but I know deep down that there are a lot of other issues at play here and medicine would just be a band-aid, not a cure.

A full night's sleep would sure help, but that seems like a pipe dream right now.

So, here I am unable to sleep, wondering what we are going to do about everything. Should we move to be closer to services, especially if we find out Danny is autistic? If we were to move, how would we afford moving costs? How would we ever manage to get the house ready for sale? How would we be able to find a place we could afford to live without me working? How can I manage my time better so I am not so stressed out? Am I giving enough attention to all the kids? Will I ever again sleep through the night?

I just feel like I am dropping the ball in every area of my life. I am not really focused on my responsibilities at church. I haven't returned calls from my sister-in-law in weeks; nor have I been able to find the time to send her kids anything for their birthdays. My house can never stay clean. I can rarely even finish a thought, let alone any sort of home improvement project around the house. And let me tell you, there are projects aplenty at the Pancake house. I feel like I have no energy or desire left over to devote to Bil; heck, I can barely manage a civil word to him much less take care of his emotional or physical needs.

I'm just so wiped out, exhausted and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps that is because it is now 3:27 and I am still not asleep. Maybe this will all seem much less overwhelming tomorrow morning. Or maybe I will be a raving lunatic mom again, because I am so tired AND I have to substitute teach the eight-year-old Sunday School class. Add that to all the normal Sunday morning stress and I just don't see how the morning will make anything look more rosy to me.

And a Sunday afternoon nap is probably out of the question, since yesterday's nap made it difficult for me to sleep last night.

Well, that, and the snoring. Ah, yes, the ubiquitous snoring. The snoring that seems to defy all attempts at fixing.

Dang, and now I'm hungry.

I just reread this post, and I have decided that blogging at 3:36 AM is probably not the best idea......


Denise said...

I am stealing your kids for a questions, no words, no saying no! Get a grip and have a great time. Get on the same page with Bil...etc.

And this is only because I know EXACTLY how you feel!

See you soon!


a Tonggu Momma said...


And try your best to grab a nap today. That always makes me feel better.

Amy Jane said...

Oh, Patty, I am SO sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. As for the snoring, I usually elbow Brian and say "SNORING!", whereupon he rolls onto his side and it ceases. He has also taken to wearing BreatheRight strips, which really help! As a first step, get Bil to try these. If they don't work, he should see the doctor to figure out the cause and discuss possible solutions. You could also try earplugs in the meantime. :)

As for everything else, you and I both know it's not so easily addressed. As I don't have three kids, I don't really know if I can give you any useful advice on how to get your life better under control. But I CAN tell you that I'm always here to listen, and that all you can do is do the best you can and don't beat yourself up! You and Bil are strong, and you'll weather this period of discord just fine, and Danny will be fine, too! I know that you will all be OK, and life won't always feel this crazy. Hang in there!

lonestar said...

((((hugs)))) The first thing you need is some rest!! Easier said than done though, I know, but I know from experience that extended sleep deprivation can impact every aspect of our lives. Take Denise up on her offer, spend some alone time w/ your dh, and try to get a little rest. He is probably feeling stressed out too, and some quiet time to talk things out w/ you will probably be really helpful for both of you.

And don't be afraid to turn down any requests to substitute teach until you're at least able to get a full night's sleep!

You and your family will be in my thoughts & prayers.

Stonefox said...

Oh girl, I know where you're at. I haven't slept in weeks (I am due any day now) and know that the sleeplessness will only continue, which makes EVERYTHING worse. Plus, I feel like a complete failure at everything in life.

That pretty much sums it up.

Just know you are not alone! There are others of us out here feeling the same things.

Mrsbear said...

Aw, Patty, don't you know everything seems insurmountable at 3 in the morning?

Your worries are justified, but at the same time there is only so much you can take on, particularly in your sleep deprived state. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you've got to tackle each question one at a time, and that only after your brain can actually formulate a coherent thought.

It will get better. Someday, not so far from now, you'll be able to sleep, maybe NOT all night...since I think after you become a parent, sleep like that is a myth...but at least for a long enough stretch you can survive on.

Bloggy hugs your way.

goodfountain said...

Patty, I don't have much in the way of advice except this - don't be so hard on yourself. You are currently parenting 3 young children. It's tough!! But little by the little they will get older, Tommy WILL sleep longer. Things will improve. You are in the eye of the storm as they say.

Okay, wait, I have more advice - let someone watch your kids, say NO to anything extra at church, and go on a date with Bil. On this date, take a notebook. In that notebook write down what are the most important things for your family. Together prioritize. Sleep is important. If Bil's snoring is hindering that -the onus is upon him to help find a solution. What are the other MOST important things. Agree on them as a couple and forget the rest (like home improvement projects can wait until the kids are older).

So that's my advice. But I stick with my #1 point - don't be so hard on yourself!


B’s Mum said...

Patty, I don’t know if this will help, but have you ever heard of the Silence of Music? Google JOHN B LEVINE and check out his wonderful series of CD’s. They can be used for all sorts of things, stress being one of them, but they are also great for SPD kids… my daughter says the Silence of Peace makes her feel really calm. John’s a lovely guy who if you can contact him can really help you find something that might help. Blessings, Sharon

Kim said...

I am sorry you are feeling this way right now. I wish I had wonderful advice for you but since I can't sort out those same issues for myself... well, I'm not much help.

I have gone through patches like this before and gotten through so I know that you and I will both find our way out the dark and into the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes you just have to keep digging to get there.


Anonymous said...

oh i know that snoring. it can make you want to leave your partner. i find it helps to get to bed before he does. but then I don't wake up with a baby. but then we are ussually up at 2am. i used to use ear plugs but it jut isn't safe with egg as i can't hear him in the morning.

i am feeling so sad for you, i know a lot of what you are feeling and that just isn't right. that stress.

stick loo roll up his noe to encourage him to breathe through his mouth.

rainbowmummy xxx