Friday, July 27, 2012

Oh, the indignity!

I used to think being pregnant and going through labor and delivery was the most undignified experience one could have.

I have recently revised this view;  going to the public pool with three overactive and feral children has to be equally undignified, if not more.  Our town's public pool is my family's Nirvana.  We spend quite a bit of time there throughout the summer, and it's the one place all three of my kids enjoy equally.  When we're there, the kids are typically happy; they rarely squabble with each other and they're worn out when we get home, which means they sleep late, which means I get some time alone.  

It's a total win, in my book.

So even though getting all the kids slathered in sunscreen and packing up a week's worth of snacks, drinks, and towels makes me want a nap, and even though the idea of spending an afternoon squeezed into my ill-fitting and unfashionable bathing suit makes me want an antidepressant, we venture out to the pool on a regular basis.

I then spend the next several hours trying to maintain some level of decorum.

And fail miserably.

Whenever Tommy is not in the water, he is running around, causing a stir.  Running at the pool is strictly verboten, so every time he leaves the water, several lifesavers blow their whistles and yell frantically, "No running!  No running!"  

Surprisingly, their entreaties do nothing to stop my preschooler from galloping around, occasionally looking back at me to see if I am in pursuit, laughing the entire time.  Between my plantar fasciitis and the piping hot pavement, I have great difficulty catching up with him;  I must look like I'm 70 as I lumber around the pool in pursuit of my demon spawn precocious cherub. 

Later, when he starts screaming because I won't let him eat the entire can of Pringles in one sitting, I have to bend over, pick up his flailing body and lug him to some corner so he can melt down in relative peace.  I'm really sorry to all the people I have unconsciously flashed while bending over.  I try to keep myself covered, but that stupid little bathing suit skirt is not up to the challenge of covering my ample derriere.

When Tommy's not screaming or throwing a fit, we enjoy playing in the pool with Charlotte and Danny.  The kids all love to splash each other and wrestle with me.  The problem with this is I am wearing a bathing suit.  Charlotte and Danny both have almost pantsed me in front of half the town after grabbing my suit while swimming.  And Tom has nearly pulled off my top a number of times.  No one deserves to be exposed to that sort of thing, especially at a family pool.  

And just when I think that everything has calmed down, I get whacked in the head with a foam ball.  When I locate Danny, he is laughing and gesturing to Charlotte.  After the dozenth time of getting smacked in the face with a soaking ball, I hear Danny yell triumphantly, "I got her, Charlotte!  The pig is down!"

Apparently, the kids are playing Angry Birds, and I am the pig.

All this to wear the kids out, so they'll sleep late.  

The indignity is worth it.


Check out more posts on comedy at the Spin Cycle.

Second Blooming


Flannery said...

"The pig is down"...Best. Line. Ever.

I often tell my husband that the only thing worse than our tasmanian devil of a child would be to have one or two more like him.

Point proven.

I give you big props for lugging them all to the pool so often. I can only imagine how exhausting that must be for you, especially after taking numerous shots to the head.

And the running at the pool? Yeah, ours too. Constantly.

Good times.

Jennifer Bush said...

Sorry for laughing at your indignities, but "the pig is down?" Priceless.

Hang in there. Just a few more weeks of summer.

gretchen said...

The pig. You are the pig. I will now wipe away tears of horror and hysteria. I laughed, I cried, I identified.

You are linked!!

My Whacamole Life said...

Oh, honey, I've been there. Except for "the pig is down" - probably only because the girl can't talk. I feel you.

I really am not trying to shamelessly self-promote, but if you haven't seen this piece, go now. You'll feel better! Mommy On The Run .

Great post!

Lizbeth said...

Hahaha!!!! I once had the kids climb on to me and then pull my top in either direction. I could do NOTHING as I was holding them. Nippes out for everyone to see.....I hope that makes you feel a little better about being called a pig. :)

Susan Lindgren said...

The things we do for a few minutes of peace.

Mom2LittleMiss said...

Ok... I actually laughed out loud at "the pig is down" - your kids are nothing if not inventive!

SuziCate said...

Apparently, the kids are playing Angry Birds, and I am the pig.-Now, that is hilarious!

Marsupial Mama said...

The pig is down... That's hilarious! My son is really obsessed with angry birds too.

Sanstrousers said...

You're right, that's does sound so much more undignified!